Choices

In life, i believe everything is a choice. Apart from God, choices make up our life. This whole week, i thank God for a breakthrough that i thought i would never have. FOr the past one week, i was not doing so well, had a lot of things to think, reflect and decide. It was a big struggle for me, as God revealed to me the areas in my life which i have to improve. Well, i guess it is human. Who can stand being told the ugly side of you? Everyone wants to hear only the good stuff. But that is not possible and can no longer be an excuse. Sometimes, God brings us into situations, that may seem tough for the moment, to surface areas in your life that are not glorifying unto him. For me, i guess this is it. God has caught up with me. I can't run anywhere now. It is just me n Him.

The past one week, God has been dealing with my insecurities. I never thought i was insecure. I did not even realize that i was insecure up till recently when my behaviour around the ones i love took a turn for the worse. it was rather ugly, but a good learning point. Being human, though i knew what God was driving at, i didn't dare face up or admit to the fact that i am insecure. ONly at SSL, i happened to talk to Pastor Charissa when we were talking and sharing halfway that she told me this, " Nat you are insecure, and you are not that strong. DOn't have to put up a front to show that you are strong. If you need to cry, just do so. " How contradictory. I was brought up being taught that i should always be strong and never cry. Crying was a sign of weakness. Yes, and i have been struggling with that.

What Pastor Charissa said was like a slap right in my face. The thing i didn't want to hear the most, God made her say it. to be honest, it hurts. The truth hurts but the truth also set me free. Worship at SSL was the first time i felt God was closest. not because of what is happening but it is because of my insecurities that have kept me away from Him when i very much want to be near Him. Confessing to God and laying down all my insecurities at his feet at the altar lifted a heavy burden right inside of me. In exchange for that, i received from him a new anointing and an unspeakable joy that i do not know how to describe.

As i worshipped, everything in my life suddenly seemed to make sense. Prophecies given to me by God, things that happen around me, my ability to worship, words that I have been receiving from God seemed to click and make sense to me. It is so simple. All i had to do was to admit that i am insecure. I had a choice whether to still live in denial and continue to hurt those around me, or to blatantly be open about it and be vulnerable and learn from it and learn how to love those around me better.

I choose to be secure in God. I have placed my security in man. I learnt from this that man disappoints but God appoints. Man fails but God never fails. How clear is it when God gave me the verse Jer 1:18.

"For behold, i have made you this day, a fortified city and an iron pillar, and bronze walls against the whole land. Against the kings of Judah, against its princes, against its priests, and against the people of the land. They will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you. For I am with you says the Lord, to deliver you. "

TO be honest, i don't realy understand the entire verse what GOd is saying but for now, i know that GOd is my maker, he made me to be someone who is strong, and secure. Though there may be issues such as insecurity, oppression or people rising up against me. As long as I am right with God, I will overcome it. I will not be bogged down by it. Because God is my security, He will walk me through it and bring me out of this situation safely.

Like i said, being secure is a choice that one makes. I choose to be secure in you God. THough the world provides me much reasons to be insecure but in your words i trust. Though actions by humans can cause me to be insecure. i still choose to trust in you and be secure. It is not easy and will never be. Nothing is easy in this world. To follow you is a choice which does not come easy already. What more choosing to be positive and secure in you. If you can do it, i can do it too. Because you are my strength, my refuge, my peace and the lover of my soul.


God please grant me your strength to learn how to deal with certain issues in my life. I need your wisdom. Teach me Lord, I am willing to learn. I can no longer sit back and allow it to influence me anymore. I have done that and the result, it has become detrimental in my walk with you. I will no longer allow it to come between You and I. I am scared because they are people whom i really do not know how to handle though they are the closest to me. They are strong in their own right and i don't want to go through it alone. i need support. God, will you be with me please in this? I don't wish to be strong in my strength. I wish to be strong indeed but in you. I need you very very very much. Help me not be affected by the words they say God. It hurts but teach me to have an iron shield around my ears, mind and heart.

God, i guess you put problems in my way to make me stronger. I accept that and i thank you for it. I surrender all. Everything in my life, take it. I need you God, more than life itself, more than words can say. I worship you forevermore. Thank you for teaching me not to run away from problems but to stand and face it squarely like a woman. Strengthen me and build me up Lord. Bring me to another level God to solve this together with you. Lord, when i am weak you are strong. i know that you are everything that i long for.

Jesus i love you.