Sunday, July 05, 2009

God, are you there?

Do you believe that God speaks?

Have you ever heard Him speak?

I believe He does. He speaks all the time. Do you realize it? Are you aware of it?

For me, the verse where it says that All creation shouts the praise of God caught my attention. really took the time to challenge myself everyday. How? By the simple activites that I do everday. I learn Biblical principals, concepts, am being revealed to the character of God by things around me and by the things i do.

Just to share a few at the request of my dear dorothy seng. I pray and hope that this will encourage all of you and as a testimony to all that God is truly a living God.

some of the ways that God have been speaking to me, apart from sermons, my quiet time, for the past one month are through:

1) Playing Jenga

The concept of the game Jenga is to filter out the loose blocks and stack them till they fall right? When you first start the game, the "structure" seems stable until you start tapping to source out which block is ripe to remove from the structure and to stack at the top. The game only ends when the structure comes crashing down.

Well, for me, i learnt that the solid "structure" when we start the game represents us as a child of God. We may look like that block of solid "structure" in Christ. But are we really that strong?

THe little blocks that make up the structure represents the word of God. What builds us up? the word of God. In the game, there are some blocks which are loose and some which are firmly secure in their position. Some blocks are easier to take out than others.

With Us, tapping on each block, reminds me of the challenges/devil/obstacles that really come knocking at the doors of our hearts in our lives. It is like testing how grounded you are in the word of God. Are you secure in the word of God?

With every truth that you know, you are like the secure blocks that provide a firm foundation for the growth of the structure, Your own structure. With every uncertainty of the word, you are like the loose blocks that can be easily taken out.

If we do not have a firm foundation, we may end up crumbling down. Therefore, through playing this game, i learnt the importance of knowing the truths, what the Lord has to say. THe bible is a very powerful tool and it can guide your paths only if you allow it to.

2) Arcade Games

To be honest, i don't really like stepping into arcades. But i had to as it was part of one of my leadership programmes. Instead of sulking, just make the best of it and have fun :) when you do, you learn tons of amazing things from and with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

THere were three stations that we played for that day. The first was air hockey, followed by street basketball and the last one para para.

Air Hockey

While playing, the puck caught my attention. I kinda pitied the puck as it kept getting whacked around from one end to the other. At that time, i thought to myself, man, it seriously sucks to be a puck. Getting hit all the time. If ever given a choice to be anything in this world, i would never choose to be a puck.

Yet, ironically, many of us (myself included) unknowingly, unconsciously choose to be a puck. The Puck of Life is what i call it.

How does one become the puck of life?

To me, i learnt that when you don't know your identity. You do not know who you are in Christ, the things that you can do, the power that is in you. You allow others to dictate, to shape, and mould you instead of allowing God to do so.

You become what others think you are. THe people/person who has the most influence in your life is able to do that. It then boils down to one question: Who is the most influential person in your life?

For me, it used to be my parents. THey are the most influential people in my life because they are my parents, they gave life to me and i respect and love them a lot. They do have very good insights and perspectives which are based on their own personal experience.

But i realized, it is a very fine line between loving them and them influencing me. I'm not saying that they cannot influence me. They can, but to a certain extent. Ultimately, it is God who has the final say in my life. What's yours? :)

Another thing that one can become a puck of life is when you wish to please people. When we seek to please people instead of God, we lose focus on what we are supposed to do or what God has called us to do. Eventually, one will be so lost, tired out, frustrated and will not be able to function properly.

Gal 1:10
" For do i now persuade men or God? Or do i seek to please men? For if i still pleased men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Prov 16:7
" When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him"

wow! isn't Prov 16:7 awesome? When you please the Lord, even your enemies are at peace with You. The Lord MAKES them at peace with you. how cool is that? very cool!

Second game - Street Basketball

This game reminds me of Philippians 3:13 - 14

" Brethren, i do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing i do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

As i played the game, never once did i turn back to look who is watching me play, to see who is cheering me on. No, none of that. i concentrated on the goal. To shoot as many basketballs into the hoop as possible. Similarly, in our walk/relationship/ministry, it challenges me in the sense that am i looking ahead and to reach out for the greater things that God has in store for me?

Para Para

IT's a dancing game!!! haha i love it. miss playing it in secondary sch at my friend's house after sch. :) Dancing in public? anyone game? it is definitely uncomfortable yah? THoughts like aiyo, so paisei, later people laugh at me, say dunno how to dance stil want to dance. haha right?

but who cares? If is fun, and very enjoyable. you just got to get your body movin'. Dancin' para para reminds me of worship. Many times we do not dare to step out of our comfort zones to worship God. Whatever your comfort zone may be. It can be as simple as standing up from the comfortable chair, to raising your hands up in surrender, to jumping around, to kneeling, to prostrating on the floor. Whatever it is, each one is an expression of worship to God.

What is your comfort zone now? Do you dare step out of it? :)

These are some of the things that i learnt from the activities that i did. They are very real to me. It just shows me that GOd speaks in ways that i cannot understand and is different from what i think it should be.

Open your eyes, open the eyes of your heart, open your ears. You will find Him. He is not as far as you think but very near. Nearer than you think it is. :) Have fun with God, I'm sure He is looking to a splendid time with you.

God bless.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Just came back from chilling out with Rach at holland village. It was good. Felt so relaxed.
Gosh, two weeks has gone by so fast. I did not even feel it pass me by. kinda miss the conference. wish it will not end at all. Oh well, i guess i can look forward to next year. had a lot of fun, learnt lots of stuff now it is not about the head knowledge but it is more of the application of what i have learnt that is the challenge and to convert that application into a lifestyle is even more of a challenge. but hey, i believe it is possible because God said so and with God, all things are possible. :)
was doing some reflection this week and i realized that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone. Do not even talk about friends, for me, i have been living with my parents for the past 22 years and yet i feel like i do not really understand them even though we talk so much. it is not until recently that God showed me how to handle my parents, talk things out with them firmly and get them to understand different perspective and yet honor them at the same time. have been struggling with that for the past 7 years. It is not easy balancing all of that at the same time. yeah.
hope this encourages some of you who shared with me ur struggles with your family. :) i can share my experience with you only but ultimately God can show you how. Every situation is different. :) I guess every situation or relationship requires a lot of patience as well as investment. yeah so persevere on ok? one day you will see the fruits of your labour as painful as the process may be but yeah it is worth it.
Anyway, thank you Daddy God for going with me on the treasure hunt for the past two days. I believe that many people have been blessed by your children stepping out in faith to display and demonstrate your love towards them.
For me, i have been really blessed. I experienced an amazing thing. During treasure hunt, one of my clues was a Gucci bag. As my hip team went to tiong bahru plaza on thursday, i was telling Daddy," who on earth would carry a Gucci bag to tiong bahru plaza. Like so out of place." oh well, so i happened to turn and saw this young lady who was smoking carrying a somewhat looking Gucci bag. So i decided wat the heck, i just step out in faith and ask. Approached the young lady and asked if the bag she was carrying was a Gucci bag. She said yes! HAHA! shared with her what we were doing and one of her requests was to grow taller. Without thinking, i said sure! why not! you will grow taller.
Wanted to smack myself but oh well, what came out of my mouth i cannot take it back but pray that God will make it happen. So Carolene and i made a straight line mark across our arm and started to pray for the young lady. After praying, her line overshot mine by an inch. I was stunned. Carolene and i just stared at each other in amazement. She actually grew! God made her grow taller! Awesome!
yeah so got very excited and for me it really built my faith level. I believe that as we just step out and demonstrate God's love, it is not so much for the other person though to a certain degree yes they receive healing and stuff but for us as God's children, it just benefits us in our walk with God, our perspective with God and just knowing that He is real and alive is all i need to know to trust in Him always.
Daddy God, I want to go to Bethel to see more and bring it back. Provide a way for me please. amen.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

lovely day

I so totally enjoyed myself yesterday. Met Rachel Chia for dinner and the supposed movie which we never got to watch, and just am so happy that i am able to know her better for who she is. Quite an interesting person and for me, i felt that i could understand her well. Talked quite a bit of stuff about teaching, and future plans bla bla bla...

After that, we went to have ice cream at Udders. it was nice. it was like a bouncy textured ice-cream. shiok. hahaha. Kopi-C and chocolate marsh. yum yum.

Today was another tiring day, went for hip! walked from tiong bahru plaza to church office. aren't you proud of me dot? i walked lei hahaha. exercise ok. learnt quite a lot but still need to process some of my thoughts. will share soon.

After that met champ to plan and discuss for cell. but thank you ar chin champ for passing the cell to me ar. so clever. haha ok la, i will learn how to lead it k? :)

Monday, May 25, 2009


While spending some time alone at Holland Village, i saw a mother with her child. The child was super round, chubby and cute. Man, haha i want to pinch the little kid's cheeks. So lovable. Observing the child just reminded me of my childhood and me being a little kid.

Anyway, the mother was just looking at some clothes at a shop and the child went, eeee so ugly. haha that comment by that kid just made me remember that he is just saying it in honesty. Young children do not know how to lie and to put up a front. They say what they feel and think. They believe every single word that they are being told. super innocent.

You know as a child, i had no worries, always laughing, making my parents angry, laugh, cry, pull their hair out. Normal things that a playful kid would do. and i would say the darndest things in all honesty. If i was angry, i would show it. If i was sad or tired, i would show it. but as i grew up, society and the environment that we live in always or rather has often taught us to put up a front. To not be vulnerable and to hide our true feelings till the point that you do not know whether the person you are talking to is sincere, real or just putting up a facade or simply being fake.

It just reminds of what Jesus said in Mark 10:15 - Assuredly i say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.

I am not too sure about you but for me, as i grew up to be a young lady, i did lose some of the innocence of a child due to experiences, be it good or bad. But, i will always have to come and lay it down at the feet of Jesus and in exchange, ask for a child like faith and discernment to discern between right and wrong, good and evil.

In all honesty, nat nat miss being a child. If only i could turn back the hands of time, i would tell my younger self not to wish to grow up so fast but to enjoy the carefree life of being a kid, ravelling in the love and adoration that my parents have for me and just bask myself in it. but too bad, time passes so fast and in a twinkling of an eye, i am already a young adult.

Yes, for the first time in my life, for all those who know me, nat nat is no longer denying she is forever 16 or forever 21. nat has admitted to being a young adult and us gladly looking foward to the exciting things that God is going to do and send my way. *ok dot and angel, you can confess your age too! i just did hahahahah*

Guess there is a lot of things to learn in life as i step out on my own. God may you be my guide as i continue the rest of my journey with you into adulthood. Continue to mould me and consecrate my heart. :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

blow me away...

God, you certainly never fail to amaze me. wow! u're such an amazing person. Let me share with you how amazing God is. To God be the glory!

For the past few days i've been asking God to just build me up and to restore me since he has impressed upon my heart that he wants to do just that. So i allowed Him to do so. During Hip today, Pastor Jennifer asked us to prophesy over one another. One of my group mates, Carolene, said this to me: I see a blank piece of white paper being surrounded by all sorts of resources. Strangely, the blank piece of paper is very beautiful. I feel that God is saying the paper is you and you are already beautiful but as He adds more stuff into your life with the resources, You will be even more beautiful than what you are. He is going to build you up and mould you into the woman that He has intended for you to be.

I couldn't hold back the tear bank. I just cried. My intention of sharing this prophecy is not for me to boast how beautiful i am even though i know that it is a fact, (ok just joking, lest dot say i thick skinned again) but yeah, it is to testify that God is real and alive and He hears every single word and cry from us. He knows us inside out and as we yield ourselves to Him, He can do wonders.

I am more touched by the fact that God remembers and hears me. I mean though i know but it is the exact same words that i've been praying for. To hear it being said from someone else's mouth whom i'm not close to, or rather unfamiliar with, is freaky. but Thank you God for your assuring words and promises that you have told me and through other people. I love you.

Now my challenge is, do you have something in your life that you can't handle on your own, or a heavy burden with regards to something that you are not sure how to handle, situations that you do not know how to face? I realized that in life, it is ok if you do not have the answers to everything, not every situation must have an immediate answer or can be solved immediately, but are you willing to surrender everything to God and let Him take control? That is the important question of the day.

Monday, May 18, 2009

*yawnz* came back not too long ago. today was such a refreshing day. spent the entire day with rach, dot and angel. Went for a lovely swim with rach in the morning. just realized how unhealthy i am. we were suppsoed to swim for 10 laps. unfortunately, both of us do not have that much stamina, and so only managed to do only 6 laps.

after that, drove down to vivo, decided to do a little retail therapy and after that head down to bugis to meet dot and angel with rach. man, what a din. i think we girls really brought the house down. hahah so noisy. But had a lovely chat with them and came up with farni conversations. Girls, thank you so much for being there for and with me, just supporting me. Love you girls lots plus min min, gw, and kenny. you people are so fun and i learnt a lot of things from all of you in more ways than one. i thank God for every single one of you. And yup, you all are definitely special to me and in God's eyes. :)

Anyway, have been doing some reflection about some stuff lately. will post it up soon on what i think and wat God has taught me.

Dear daddy,

I thank you for creating me. i know i am wonderfully and fearfully made. Whatever i have done wrong in the past has now been forgiven and been washed clean by the blood of the lamb. I am a new being in you and thank you for accepting and loving me just as i am.

Change me from the inside out and may i just shine ever so brightly and beautifully for you. May you dwell in me as i open my heart and entire being to you. I yield myself completely to you, surrendering every single aspect of my life, everything that i hold dear and the people i love into your hands. Teach me more about your word and help me to apply it in my everyday life as part of my process of transformation.

May it come so alive in me that you will be the star and i will be the testimony. :) And it is no longer that i who liveth but Christ who liveth in me. and daddy, you are my prize. your words never fail me and that is the greatest prize or gift that you can every give me. Thank you i love you.


Saturday, May 16, 2009


firstly, i want to tell you that i have 6 mozzie bites on my leg!!! why did you make my blood so sweet ar? I am not free food you know. Please tell the mozzies at the hawker for me. Tell them to stop sucking my blood.

anyway, thank you for being with me as i worship you on stage :) Received a very encouraging word from Chris which was very heartwarming. Thank you so much. God, by the way, i feel very silly you know. I keep taking sneak peeks at him lei. sigh, take until ar my eyes abit pain and tired lei. i miss him. (ok nat, stop it.)

God, it is still not easy but somehow, i have this nagging feeling of peace that You are very much in control of the entire situation. Like i need not worry about it at all. Strangely, i love this peaceful feeling even though sometimes my own human intellect would like to very much think in various directions but i have to always tell myself to focus on you. I am going to hold on to every single promise that you have honoured me with and told me from the beginning up till now. It is locked in my heart and God, i trust you.

I choose to say that it is the beginning of something beautiful rather than the end. I hate endings but i love beginnings. Everything in life is a beginning. and a new one at that. Allowing God to grow and prune me more from where i left off is a wonderful beginning to a more beautiful and God-fearing Nat.

Lastly, before i sleep, God, remember to guard my heart as well as the ones i love jealously. Daddy, please lock all emotions from me till i'm ready in your eyes to be able to handle it. I just want to focus on you, grab and receive your anointing and to be a blessing and to minister to others. in Jesus name. Amen

Friday, May 15, 2009

absolutely peculiar (spoken in a british accent)

While taking the bus on tuesday to hang out with dear rachel, i had the privilege of having this man sit next to me. Sat down next to me in a hurry as he held a book in his hand. The book caught my attention. The title of the book was ' How to stop worrying and start to live your life'. haha so naturally, being the busybody that i am, i secretly peeked over and started reading what he was reading. Five minutes into reading from his book, i realized that he was staring at me. how embarassing. so i pretended to stare into blank space. *nat lousy acting, like seriously*. ok so watever. Took a quick peak at his face. all burrowed up into a frown looking worried. told myself, man, that book he is reading doesn't help him at all. He needs something better than some advice from theologians. What do they know!

Started to pray for that poor worried man. Matthew 6:25 came to mind. Thank God i had my bible with me. Guess what! when i took my bible out, the man stared at me and the bible and stared back at me. ok so i gave him my beautiful smile (since he wanted to stare at a pretty girl).

Within 1 min, he changed seat to the next aisle beside me and kept looking over at my direction. I think he thought that i'm going to preach to him about Jesus. oh well, anyway so i took out a piece of paper and thought i write him that verse as an encouragement and to bless him. however, i did not get the opportunity to pass him that verse because he immediately alighted at the next stop.

but who said, the power of God would stop there when people run away from God? That man can run as far as he wants but i have another weapon - a tracking missile. it is always accurate. That "tracking missile" is prayer. if i can't write him a blessing, i shall pray a blessing over him. That is the best that i can do for that man. God is awesome.

Daddy, i went for my first HIP programme today. I had fun though i was still struggling internally. Not easy God, not easy i tell you. But i know that all things work out for the good of those who love him. Thank you for teaching me your word. Your word that you have said to me, i will keep it and hold it dear in my heart. It means a lot to me.

God, i remember you saying that everything on earth shouts your name and gives you praise. I challenged myself today. Went bowling with the hippers and as i just sat there observing the way people bowl and how the ball spins into the longkang, i found you.

The bowling lanes are like our lives. One whole long stretch. we will not know the outcome of things, like we do not know how many pins will fall at our hands, which direction the ball moves. As i observed the two guys playing bowling at the next lane, i was just simply blown away. their ball can be in the longkang and at the last minute, somehow, it will move out of the longkang and strike all the pins down. That really taught me something. No matter how deep trouble we are in, or at the lowest point of our lives, God is always there to intervene on time. never early, never late. God is always on time.

Keeping the focus is another challenging point. Bowling is not as brainless as it seems. Man, it is mentally draining as i had to keep focusing on the pin and ensure that the angle of my hand and the ball are aligned properly so as to attain a strike. After almost 2 hours worth of games, i tell you i was mentally drained. God, you know it is like the walk and relationship with you. It is not always easy to keep the focus initially. But as you get the hang of it, it gets easier and easier to connect and communicate with you. It is the commitment and perseverance of hanging in there with you.

God, i also want to thank you for my parents for being there with me. Thank you for teaching me to honour them, despite the pressures and challenges that i face, and thank you for hearing and answering my prayers. Yesterday was a breakthrough. It is such a beautiful gift to me. I pray that you will sustain them as they walk through this journey with me. Help them through this as you speak to them too Lord.

Finally, God, i want to tell you that i will still bless your name no matter what happens and am willing to pay the price to know you better and to attain that anointing from you. I trust my life into your hands knowing that You as my father would not harm me but have plans to prosper me. You know me better than i know myself and i pray that you will continue to grow, support me in everything that i do. Teach me as i open and avail myself to your transformative work in me. Change me so unrecognizable that people will know that you are real. Guard my heart jealously too God. it's yours.

Daddy, please continue to protect and bless the ones that i love. Shelter them from storms, give them hard knocks if you must but always be there for them. Help them grow as into the fullest potential that they can be. Guard their hearts as well daddy. I love every single one of them with every ounce of love that i have in my heart. Teach me to love them with your love and see them through your eyes. That is the greatest gift that you could ever give me. In Jesus name i pray amen.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

spent the whole of yesterday with Kenny, Rach and dot. Went to Bedok to eat ba chor mee. MAn, it is so different. It is soup based ba chor me with meat balls. That was interesting. no wonder kenny loved it. hahaha.

Anyway, dot, rach and i went to catch a movie called sell out. It was the worst movie ever. The blur nat here didn't even know that the movie started. I thought it was some lousy advertisement when i asked Dot, " eh, how come the show haven't start." Dot was like, "er nat ar, this is the show." it was super boring. but thank God, his favour was upon us and he allowed the manager to change our tickets for another show. It was not supposed to happen but God made it happen.

Den at night, min min stayed over at my place. we had a good girl talk. Man, i love my girlfriends so much. Had a one sided pillow fight with me getting bonged by her all the time. Min, u watch out. tonight, i will bong you and the real pillow fight starts.

It is how amazing God works. I just can't wait to see what he does everyday in my life. Life is going to get exciting now that He is in the house. God, explode me please. hahaha. thank you for teaching me so much, revealing things that are on your heart for me. I will let your word consume me life a raging fire. Continue to mould me into the wonderful and beautiful nat that you have intended me to be. guard my heart jealously for i am yours and you are mine.

Thank you for the confirmation that you are doing a greater work in me through pastor Charissa by giving her a vision and a word for me. Thank you for being my catcher and support and still wanting to beautify and prepare me. I love you very much God.

You know, i'm just excited that i'm going for a hip programme where i can just grow immensely. During the hip interview, Pastor Vic and Pastor Josh asked me what do i think is worship. my answer: worship is not just about the songs and the ability to play. the bigger picture of worship has to do with your walk and how one lives his or her life for God.

Then they asked so how? the only explanation is that i am a child of God, a testimony and an ambassador for Him anytime and anywhere. Having that said, my life will stand as a testimony and an open window for everyone to see my flaws, strengths and learning process. To be as real as i can is a privilege.

ok will post more about what i've learnt from God past few days. Now, going out for lunch with my lovelies!! min min and rach!!! hurray!!! toodleloos

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


Well, God, it is finally over. I have my answer and I thank you that it was a mutual agreement. Just a little update for all of you. Nat and CHris are no longer a couple, we are currently under the status of friends.

If you're wondering whether it hurts. of coz it does. but strangely, for me, i think God has been preparing me for this for the past one week. I know that He is my lover and the only one who will not let me down and will be the only one to shoulder and walk with my through every single aspect of my life. Sad? well, yah. but no point crying over spilt milk right? At the very least, i still have the friendship of a wonderful man.

You know, it is very important to build a friendship with a person before getting into a relationship. FOr me, i have to work backwards. Now, I have to and i want to build a friendship with this man who has shared my life for the past 2 years. I want to know him better and to be a blessing to him, in more ways than one, with no strings attached.

For me, i guess it has not been an easy week. I believe that God's hand is upon us both. THe peaceful feeling i receive from Him is one that makes me feel as if God is in control and He knows what He is doing. Even though i may not understand it now, but i will obey and just let Him be in control.

For now, nat is moving on with her life, allowing God to mould her into a beautiful woman in His eyes. One with such noble character like Queen Esther and with such grace and poise.

God, listen to my prayer:

I'm sorry i jumped the gun 2 years back but i thank you for your forgiveness. This is the consequence that i have to pay and i will face it squarely like a woman. Grant me your strength to grow, and to allow your hand to move so mightily in my life. Never let me go but help me continue to transform from glory to glory, strength to strength. I just want to be a child that yearns and hunger for your anointing and presence in my life. Nothing else matters. Heal me O Lord. Only you can. Teach me to invest my life into others and be huge blessing to others and at the same time to teach and deliver me from my problems. THank you God. I love you


DOt and Angel, thank you for being my listening ears and my cushion to fall back on. You both are really valuable friends that i treasure. I am ok, sad, definitely. crushed? nope not at all in fact on the contrary, im hungry for God. maybe it is GOd's way to get both our attention to focus back on Him. haha. He intervened for us to restore our relationship with him. yup.

Saturday, May 09, 2009


In life, i believe everything is a choice. Apart from God, choices make up our life. This whole week, i thank God for a breakthrough that i thought i would never have. FOr the past one week, i was not doing so well, had a lot of things to think, reflect and decide. It was a big struggle for me, as God revealed to me the areas in my life which i have to improve. Well, i guess it is human. Who can stand being told the ugly side of you? Everyone wants to hear only the good stuff. But that is not possible and can no longer be an excuse. Sometimes, God brings us into situations, that may seem tough for the moment, to surface areas in your life that are not glorifying unto him. For me, i guess this is it. God has caught up with me. I can't run anywhere now. It is just me n Him.
The past one week, God has been dealing with my insecurities. I never thought i was insecure. I did not even realize that i was insecure up till recently when my behaviour around the ones i love took a turn for the worse. it was rather ugly, but a good learning point. Being human, though i knew what God was driving at, i didn't dare face up or admit to the fact that i am insecure. ONly at SSL, i happened to talk to Pastor Charissa when we were talking and sharing halfway that she told me this, " Nat you are insecure, and you are not that strong. DOn't have to put up a front to show that you are strong. If you need to cry, just do so. " How contradictory. I was brought up being taught that i should always be strong and never cry. Crying was a sign of weakness. Yes, and i have been struggling with that.
What Pastor Charissa said was like a slap right in my face. The thing i didn't want to hear the most, God made her say it. to be honest, it hurts. The truth hurts but the truth also set me free. Worship at SSL was the first time i felt God was closest. not because of what is happening but it is because of my insecurities that have kept me away from Him when i very much want to be near Him. Confessing to God and laying down all my insecurities at his feet at the altar lifted a heavy burden right inside of me. In exchange for that, i received from him a new anointing and an unspeakable joy that i do not know how to describe.

As i worshipped, everything in my life suddenly seemed to make sense. Prophecies given to me by God, things that happen around me, my ability to worship, words that I have been receiving from God seemed to click and make sense to me. It is so simple. All i had to do was to admit that i am insecure. I had a choice whether to still live in denial and continue to hurt those around me, or to blatantly be open about it and be vulnerable and learn from it and learn how to love those around me better.

I choose to be secure in God. I have placed my security in man. I learnt from this that man disappoints but God appoints. Man fails but God never fails. How clear is it when God gave me the verse Jer 1:18.

"For behold, i have made you this day, a fortified city and an iron pillar, and bronze walls against the whole land. Against the kings of Judah, against its princes, against its priests, and against the people of the land. They will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you. For I am with you says the Lord, to deliver you. "

TO be honest, i don't realy understand the entire verse what GOd is saying but for now, i know that GOd is my maker, he made me to be someone who is strong, and secure. Though there may be issues such as insecurity, oppression or people rising up against me. As long as I am right with God, I will overcome it. I will not be bogged down by it. Because God is my security, He will walk me through it and bring me out of this situation safely.

Like i said, being secure is a choice that one makes. I choose to be secure in you God. THough the world provides me much reasons to be insecure but in your words i trust. Though actions by humans can cause me to be insecure. i still choose to trust in you and be secure. It is not easy and will never be. Nothing is easy in this world. To follow you is a choice which does not come easy already. What more choosing to be positive and secure in you. If you can do it, i can do it too. Because you are my strength, my refuge, my peace and the lover of my soul.

God please grant me your strength to learn how to deal with certain issues in my life. I need your wisdom. Teach me Lord, I am willing to learn. I can no longer sit back and allow it to influence me anymore. I have done that and the result, it has become detrimental in my walk with you. I will no longer allow it to come between You and I. I am scared because they are people whom i really do not know how to handle though they are the closest to me. They are strong in their own right and i don't want to go through it alone. i need support. God, will you be with me please in this? I don't wish to be strong in my strength. I wish to be strong indeed but in you. I need you very very very much. Help me not be affected by the words they say God. It hurts but teach me to have an iron shield around my ears, mind and heart.

God, i guess you put problems in my way to make me stronger. I accept that and i thank you for it. I surrender all. Everything in my life, take it. I need you God, more than life itself, more than words can say. I worship you forevermore. Thank you for teaching me not to run away from problems but to stand and face it squarely like a woman. Strengthen me and build me up Lord. Bring me to another level God to solve this together with you. Lord, when i am weak you are strong. i know that you are everything that i long for.

Jesus i love you.

Friday, May 08, 2009

love language

Exams are over, i have lots of time to kill. I decided to pick up a book to read to equip myself and to learn from it.
I read the book love languages of God by Dr. Gary Chapman. While reading, what caught my attention was this: to love and to be loved - what could be more important? I believe that they key to learning and choosing love is tapping into divine love. When we learn to know and love Him, we will have made the "love connection". Dr. Gary believes that human love relationships reflect the nature of God, who is love. If we can understand the dynamics of human love, it will help us understand the expressions of divine love.
As i pondered about it, i realized that it is true. if we love another person with our own strength and own capacity, be it a spouse, family member, we will always run dry. But if we tap into God's divine love, no matter how tough it gets, be it good or bad times, we will still be able to love him or her just as much.
As i read on to the following chapters of the five love languages namely, (i) Words, (ii) Quality Time, (iii) Touch, (iv) Gifts and (v) Acts of Service, i learnt that each of us have a primary love language. Definitely it will encompass the other four, but there will always be the primary love language that will touch us the most.
For me, i used to think that it was gifts, based on the form which i did during a family church camp in 2006. However, as i read on and reflected on what cheers me up and upsets me the most, i realized that it is not gifts. It is words. I am a words person. Words affect me the most, it holds the most meaning to me, which i struggle with nowadays because everyone treats word so lightly. They say one thing, mean another and do another.
Even though sometimes i may not show it, certain words be it postive words or negative words, do affect me a lot. But i try my best not to show it. I have no idea why i do not show it. Perhaps, i do not how to react to it. that's why i don't show.
After words, comes touch. I feel very much loved when someone gives me a hug, holds my hand, gives me a kiss, or puts an arm around me.
After words and touch comes quality time. Quality time can be divided into a few categories: (i) family, (ii) loved one, (iii) friends and (iv) myself. How i spend or define quality time when i am with family members is either doing something together, or having a nice chat over dinner, going out with them, doing the same activities as them even though if i don't like it but becoz they love it, i will try my best to enjoy it as much as possible with them, and to watch television with them. What i would like to do in future to add to the quality time is to learn how to pray with them.
Quality time spent with a loved one can be as simple as you look at me, i look at you. Though it may seem awkward, deep down in my heart, i enjoy it very much. Taking the time to share with the other person my heartfelt thoughts, feelings, talk rubbish, support each other, being there for the other person, do silly stuff together and vice versa is quality time to me. anywhere and anytime just being with the one i love is quality time to me.
Quality time with friends is to just chill and hang out with them. Talk rubbish, share stuff with each other and to support each other.
Quality time to myself. I have never thought of the importance of having quality time to myself until now. It is like i have been giving myself to so many categories like family, loved one and friends and sometimes even to students that i forget about my quality with myself and God. Well, sometimes it is good to get away from all the hustling and bustling of life and do a self reflection to see whether what i am doing is right or not. From there, i am able to take a step back from being involved in so many people's life, and just think about my actions, my thoughts, my words to them whether have i hurt them. Sometimes i may have, sometimes i may have done something good. Whatever it is, i learn from it and change. As God give chances, so i learnt to give myself a chance to change.
From spending time with myself, i also get to know myself a bit better. How ironic right, to spend time with yourself to know yourself better. but it is true. I have learnt a lot about myself in respect to different areas of my life. Like the way i relate to my family, my bf, my friends. I admit i'm not the best person to be with them but yet i am the best person to be for them because i learn everyday to work with new challenges posed by them.
ANyho, THese three are my love languages. My love tank will immediately fill itself up when i receive love in these three manners. I guess that is what i have learnt for now and would share with you soon if you date me out :)

Thursday, May 07, 2009

What did Miss Hedgehog do?

Miss Hedgehog is an extremely unhappy hedgehog. there is no more joy left in her. Even the little ladybugs do not dare come near to greet her anymore. Miss Hedgehog started to realize the change in her and decided to do some thinking.

Miss Hedgehog: What is wrong with me? Why have i become so grumpy ?

And the more Miss Hedgehog thought about it, the worse it became as her thoughts went flying everywhere else. As Miss Hedgehog sat and pondered, an old friend, the wise barn owl came swooping in and perched above her little plants.

Owl: Hoo Hoo... you look troubled. what has made you so unhappy Miss Hedgehog?

Miss Hedgehog: hello owl, just thinking to myself. But it seems that the more i think, the worse it becomes. i don't know what's wrong with me. :(

Owl: hmmm... well owl have nothing to do at the moment, so owl is willing to be a listening ear to miss hedgehog if you don't mind.

And so Miss hedgehog started to share her problems with the barn owl. After 2 hours, the barn owl looked straight at Miss Hedgehog and said, " so that's it? you mean that's all?

Miss Hedgehog: What do you mean that's all?!

Owl: my my, you ladies certainly have a lot of time in your hands. i think you are thinking too much. It is a simple problem with a simple solution. But, whether that solution will work out or not depends entirely on you.

Miss Hedgehog: What do you mean owl?

Owl: well you see, you miss Mr. Porcupine right? The problem is that you do not want to admit it. Everything is about you. Have you done anything to make him feel better or support him? perhaps he is feeling horrible right now? i'm sure you did not reply his letter right?

(nods Miss Hedgehog)

Owl: There you go. he must be waiting anxiously for your reply. then is he to be angry with you as well? Then it will never end.

Miss Hedgehog: what can i do then?

Owl: hmmm. why don't you ask yourself? perhaps putting yourself in Mr. Porcupine's shoes might help. i can't tell you the answer. Only you know what to do. You are wise enough my dear. Good luck. I need to go hunting. toodleloos...

Miss Hedgehog: oh dear, oh dear, what can i do to make Mr. Porcupine feel better? Oh, it's all my fault. i never should have gotten angry with him in the first place. If only i had been more understanding and put myself in his shoes earlier... ohhh ooooo...... (pondering)

Miss Hedgehog: I GOT IT!! i will go down to find Mr. Porcupine and help him take care of his aunt and grandma. In that way, Mr. Porcupine will be able to receive a nice pleasant surprise and have extra help in taking care of his grandma.

With that, Miss Hedgehog started to prepare the things that she needed for the trip. She was extremely happy to be able to make others happy.

wow ok, that;s a long story of three posts. I guess my point in putting up this story is that when you love someone in a relationship, friendship, family etc... not everything is about you. You can't expect the same person to always give in to you and demand your way all the time.

For me, God, i believe that have been and am still dealing with me in this area for the past few days. It is easy to always pinpoint the mistakes made by others, but when it comes to myself, it is often hard to admit. It was tough but i believe that i have to go through it in order to mature.

But God, I thank you very much for putting me through this. Thank you for reminding me that without problems, I would never grow and learn. Without problems, I would not know that you are my comforter, my teacher, my friend, my saviour and my love. Thank you for surfacing my flaws, and just encouraging and sustaining me by giving me the courage to face my own flaws, to admit it and to learn from it.

Without this challenging time, I think I would have always remained a pampered princess. God, change me please. Don’t stop. You have eternity to continue to change me. I want to be a better person and child for you.

You know, God, it is very interesting like i always ask You to help me grow and often, i always expect it to be overnight. but i realized that no, when I ask You to help me grow, it is always asking for trouble. Daddy, you really put me in situations that drain me mentally, emotionally and physically. You know that? But I guess it is a test to see how I would react.

Lucky I smart. I’m smart becoz you’re smart. Haha I thank God, my brain was fast enough and communicated fast enough with You to realize that i asked for this test by myself 6 months ago. Heh heh.. so who ask for it? At the end of the day, still me. Oh well, but it’s good.

Just to side track a little, i spent half of the day with Jesselene. Had a wonderful time catching up with her, though we walked around Bugis rather aimlessly for dunno how many hours, thinking of whether to catch a movie or not. In the end, we both ended playing mario daytona in an arcade which is totally empty becoz it was in the new shopping centre opp bugis junction. It was quite fun. I cheered up a little. then we went to wheelock as Jess had to meet her mummy. so i walked round and round just to clear up some thoughts.

But the painful part is when i am being left alone. It is back to reality. Tried to run away again, as usual by calling some of my friends. Interestingly, none of them replied me, none of them called me back. I thought it strange as usually, if i call a number of friends say 7, 1 out of 7 would surely answer my calls right? BUT NO ONE ANSWERED MY CALL!!! man how clear was that for me.

God, you are very cute you know that. Did anyone tell you that before? Ok. You’re like teasing someone here like ME who is already hurting. But anyway thank you for doing so. If not, I would have run away from myself again. I guess it is a different level of facing myself. I thank you for helping me to not run when I face the slightest sign of problems. But that is, not as tough as compared to facing my flaws.

One thing I learnt from the past few days, neither silver nor gold can replace you. God, may I dedicate a song to you?

Renew my life Lord Jesus

Change this heart inside of me

Renew my life Lord Jesus

I never want to be the same

In my life and thoughts there are, so many things

That need the change that only your love can bring

And I need to be transformed into your likeness O God

Change this heart inside of me

Dear Lord, it is really tough lar… Bless my loved ones like my family and chris as I go through this period with you. I may not be the best person for them but God teach me how to. I love you God very much and I love them too. I can’t go through it alone without you so help me. Please help and teach me.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

hip hip hurray

HURRAY!!! it's finally over!!! my well deserved break. woohoo. THank you Jesus for sustaining me through this tough semester. 11 modules is no joke and is no fun either. WIthout you, i think would have gone insane already. But Thank you for your favour, your helping hand, mercy and grace.

Man, wat would i do without you. Ialso thank you for wonderful friends like dot and angel as well as my church frens who have been ther supporting me and cheering me on. You have definitely put many people in my life to make it rosier. :)

yay and i am so excited... i'm going Holiday Internship Programme. you know why? because only hip people attend such programmes. hahahaha no lar, i'm a workaholic so i must find something to do and learn in order not to rot my time away in case i become too nua for the next sem. must always keep myself busy.

hurray hurray.... today i think dot, angel, lynn, and i just traumatized mr. S**** today. hahaha he's such a dear and a nice fella to disturb.. haha blushes easily and has many many many girlfriends. super farni and his cake just rocks to the core. lovely cake...

chilled out with us the four girls, gosh relieving the nafa days is just so memorable. how i wish i can turn back time and just freeze me in that nafa days era. i wouldn't mind being in nafa forever! How can anyone not like the sch. it is the most funkiest place. i guess it is the person who makes the school and not the school who makes the person.

just one more sem... looking forward to it. why? plenty of reasons. (i) my darling bf is going to be in the same sch as me. hurray... so exciting. hahahah. hope he can tolerate the noise of dot, angel and i as well as my other whacky drama mates and music mates. they are insane. (ii) it is my last semester, will grad by dec. (iii) i have only 4 modules (iv) i can see my whacky frens again (v) i can bully the lecturers and traumatize them (vi) i have to return the nie card which i accidentally brought home today :( (vii) i get to earn salary!!! woohoo!!!! (viii) no more. i'm contented with the above 7 points. hahahah

i miss you angel, dot n lynn... already...

Monday, April 06, 2009

my little bundles of joy!

*blissful smile*
tomato plants are growing very well. just came back from watering them and cutting the dead leaves that are sucking up extra nutrients that should got to the fruits. Anyway, small little updates about my tomato plants...
There are extra 3 more bundles of joy... so in total now, i have 20 bundles of joy, sitting serenely on the branches... managed to take some pictures of them but apparently i have problem uploading them up.
and i am very proud of my plants... it certainly has attracted lots of attention from my neighbours and their visiting relatives and friends. Just yesterday, was sitting at my desk with the window open, and this bunch of aunties, uncle, ah mas, and little kids were oooing and aahing at my plants..
they were exclaiming in Hokkien:
" le kua le kua... jin chu bi eh... chelly ang mo kio... chu bi hor"
direct translation (english) :
" you see, you see, so cute ar... cherry tomatoes.. cute hor"
yup. so proud of my little bundles of joy. they do deserve to be praised and admired... i mean where on earth do anyone see how the food we eat grow... just makes me appreciate food even more and that is also my problem. i can't bear to eat them. maybe knowing too much is not that good after all. sigh...
will post pictures of them when i get the techical problem fixed.. :)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

God is good!

what can i say... you are simply amazing

God, i thank you for being with angel, dot and myself today during our Grotowski presentation. I think it went very well and thank you for answering our prayers. We were so nervous that we prayed that our lecturer will not ask us any questions, will be nice to us and that we will find favour in her eyes... True enough, she did not ask us any questions, she commended our group and was pleased with our presentation. man... that was smth really cool and amazing...

Dot, angel, i really think that God is with us, walking with us thru this sem the entire time, and He has chosen to show himself during our toughest time to be a source of comfort and strength to us... It's amazing. he is never late nor early, he is on time. and He intervenes in amazing ways... ways that we ourselves can never comprehend but is good enough for us to trust in Him even more...

and i'm glad that i have the two of u in my life to make it colourful for me and with me. :) Let's persevere for another 3 more weeks k dearies... den we can go play for holidays :)

Another thing i thank you God is...... *drum rolls* for my 12 cute baby tomatoes... yup yup... such dear sweet little things... resting so peacefully and so serenely without a care in this world... just makes my day to look at the cute bundles of joy hanging from the branches of the plants... darn... i can't bring myself to eat them. sigh.. God please multiply the tomatoes.. bless my tomato plant too. Thank you God..

and angel... the aloe vera plant is fine... happily settled in its new home. growing strong. a baby shoot has started growing out of it.

love u God n i love u both darlings...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

it's u ok....

today had a wonderful lunch date with tab at sakae :) man, we ate a lot. glad to have known her better slowly but surely. :) love that dear girl so much... seriously if u're down, just find her, she will smile ur blues away :) she has certainly made my day... prolly the first time i laughed and relaxed so much during the week. Great time... Dot, Angel, one day u must meet her. she is such a dear...

yeah, after that we went to stone at esplanade lib... making a din i suppose, but we were trying our best to keep quiet already lor.... yeah...

THank God for the extensions in sch... quite unsure of my feelings, dunno how to react. On one hand, i am happy that i have more time to do work on the other, it is like darn, i won't be free until mid apr and i have no time to prac piano at all...

i am really caught in a dilemma. i think i shall think as if the extensions does not exist at all and just hand in watever i need on the stipulated time....

can this nightmare be over? i need a break... maxed out already

Monday, March 23, 2009

the touch

" Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." Leo Buscaglia...

i kinda like the quote by this witty fella here. what he has stated definitely carries a lot of weight and is very true. What we human need isn't money. Money is secondary. but all of us need love to carry on our daily lives. That's what life is all about. its about caring for one another, honoring one another and to love each other. All of us need the special touch and warmth that a kind word or even a hug bring to all of us. Admit it, all of us yearn to be loved to a certain degree. :)

honestly, sometimes i wonder whether do we realize that we have all been caught up in a rat race. One that has stolen our happiness, our time, our ability to love and spend time with each other. everyone is going crazy over money. ok, even if one has the money, it can't buy you a life, it can't buy you happiness. there will still and always be a vacuum inside of you that yearns for a personal touch.

please don't get me wrong. i'm not saying that we should stop what we are doing and just chill... earning money is good. it serves and contributes to society as well as the economy but we should not let the greed of money control us. we are humans man.... we are made to look out for one another not harm one another.

i think that sometimes just praising someone or affirming someone along the streets every now and then might brighten up someone's day without ur knowing. It is a stressful living here in singapore and people do need love and affirmation. So if you have tons of love to give, be bold, go ahead and affirm that person. :)
seriously, if you are one who is crazy about earning money, i guess u have just earned yourself a PHD - permanent head damage.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

rant rant rant....

boy, it is tough being an actor especially in the traditional art forms of theatre. I was talking to my kathakali instructor, asked him how was his training regime like when he was studying. He shared with us that he had to wake up at 4am - 6am just to do warm-ups only and the rest of the day until 5pm was practice. Honestly, if i had just to do that whole day, i would not mind. :)
the reason being, i can stay slim and yet hone my skills instead of travelling to a green building in the middle of the forest everyday. yup. but i enjoyed myself regardless of the tiring training. yup. at least it has helped me get a load off my mind.
i guess there are a few things that have been troubling me the whole week. It seems that not only is life fragile, but relationships with the ones that you love comes under that category too. I guess for me, it hurts even more that the loved one, does not seem to appreciate what one has done for "one". not that i care much, but i hate to be taken for granted. Honestly, i don't know what to do and i dun know why i care so much and I dun want to give a shit anymore.

yeah, that's my week so far and i hate the feeling. oh well... i guess it is just me, i'm ranting...

Friday, February 06, 2009

to azmeran

this entry i want to dedicate it to my student azmeran... gosh, if not for his little tag, i would forget that i have a life outside sch work... you know, this little cheeky student of mine never fails to make my day with his dashing smile, cute and handsome face... and haha, i always tell him, you better watch out if not i cut you botak den you know, and haha he will say the same thing back to me.

help!! i miss teaching my students... i miss the times when i taught my kids at fajar, it was one of the most memorable and greatest gifts that i have ever received in my life.

azmeran, just in case if you are wondering i am entering a blog just for you, it is because i have no way of contacting you like the other students... you are like a phantom you know. come and go leaving no trace of contact behind. can you please leave either ur msn addy or email on my taggy please? or just leave it as a comment on the blog please.... thank you very much... and yeah, one day we organize something and meet up k? with the rest of your classmates which i taught in sec 2... :)

anyway, good to hear from you, thank you for making my day today.. haha... and you better be botak when i see you the next time. :)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

where is my nonya?


it is only the third day of new year and i have to be back in school studying. not a very nice feeling at all. was a little bit down for the whole of today. How i wish i have something to cheer me up like a lot. Oh well, tried my very best to stay focused in class today. i cant.

then i thought i can cheer myself up by treating myself and chris to peranakan food at beauty world. Lo and behold, we went there and it was not opened. sigh, everything just doesn't seem fun at all today. to top it all of, i have tons of homework. not that i'm complaining but i just dun have anything to say anymore. i dun like it. but i guess i got to bite the bullet and appreciate whatever circumstances that i am in.

The only fun thing about today was that i took plenty of farni pictures of jae eating. that's as much as i can tell you. can't disclose any further because i promised her i wont put the pictures up. hahaha
so cute that girl, she was sitting by the side, quietly eating her chachos. haha so cute lor, took several snapshots of her licking her fingers, taking the crackers and stuffing it into her mouth. :)

anyway, i hope that tmr will be another better day.